Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Welcome. And thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption with Kelly Rourke-Scarry, me, Ron Reigns, where we delve into adoption issues from every angle of the adoption triad.<\/p>\n
Speaker 2:<\/p>\n
Do what\u2019s best for your kid and yourself because if you can\u2019t take care of yourself, you\u2019re definitely not going to be able to take care of that kid, and that\u2019s not fair.<\/p>\n
Speaker 3:<\/p>\n
And I know that my daughter would be well taken care of with them.<\/p>\n
Speaker 4:<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t have an abortion; give this child a chance.<\/p>\n
Speaker 5:<\/p>\n
All I could think about was needing to save my son.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
My name is Kelly Rourke-Scarry. I\u2019m the executive director, president, and co-founder of Building Arizona Families Adoption Agency, the Donna K. Evans Foundation, and the You Before Me campaign creator. I have a bachelor\u2019s degree in family studies and human development and a master\u2019s degree in education with an emphasis on school counseling. I was adopted at three days, born to a teen birth mother, raised in a closed adoption, and reunited with my birth mother in 2007. I have worked in the adoption field for over 15 years.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m Ron Reigns. I\u2019ve worked in radio since 1999. I was the co-host of two successful morning shows in Prescott, Arizona. Now, I work for my wife, an adoption attorney, and I can combine these two great passions and share them on this podcast.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
All right, let\u2019s do this, podcast 70, parenting during the coronavirus pandemic, sheltering in place, some of us are calling it staying home, some of us are calling it quarantining. This is dedicated to all those parents, adoptive parents, non-adoptive parents; we are all, unitedly, experiencing changes. There are blessings in it. We get to spend more time with our kids. There\u2019s a myriad of emotions. Social media is flooded with all kinds of comments, suggestions, complaints, and everything in between. Some of it\u2019s funny, some of it, as a parent\u2026 We both are parents, I have a blended family, and so in total, we have seven, six of them living in the home. And the ages that our kids are, are I think every age has its challenges, but we have now an almost nine-year-old. An 11-year-old, a 13-year-old, a 15-yea-old, two 17-year-olds, and then my 23-year-old doesn\u2019t live at home.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
She\u2019s on her own and doing fantastic. So with our almost nine-year-old, 11-year-old, 13-year-old, 15-year-old, and two 17-year-olds, us being quarantined as a family of eight is something for reality TV.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Absolutely.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And then with your son, he\u2019s on his own, like my oldest is-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Right.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u2026 and is he quarantined right now?<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Yes, he\u2019s no longer working because he works at a mall. So that\u2019s all been shut down, and he is living with his girlfriend and her parents, but they\u2019re all pretty much quarantined. However, she\u2019s still going to work, and she works for not a retirement home but where they take care of the elderly.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
So every day she goes into work, she\u2019s got to get her temperature done, and they keep a sharp eye on any symptoms and things like that. Because, boy, that could be just tragic. And I think John\u2019s been very responsible because he\u2019s like, \u201cShe\u2019s in a position where she could do a lot of damage if I make a mistake.\u201d So he\u2019s very meticulous about self-quarantine.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
From home, does he stand at the front door with a hose and a bottle of bleach and just-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Do a Silkwood shower?<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u2026 spray her.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Absolutely, every single day. But-<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Are her \u2013<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
\u2026 yes-<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u2026 white now?<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
\u2026 he\u2019s being very responsible, like all of us.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
My 23-year-old is working from home now. She has transitioned to commuting at home, and she doesn\u2019t have the best immune system, and she\u2019s tiny. And so I\u2019m thrilled that she\u2019s at home. Now her roommate still goes into work, but he works more in a recreational vehicle rental. So it\u2019s like RVs and the big, what are the big things, not dune buggies. I forget fancy, but you ride them out in the sand. And that\u2019s considered a significant business.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Hey, why not, right?<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
\nSo he is not flooded with lots of people, but he\u2019s doing his part, and he\u2019s going to work. And-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u2026 because I can be an overbearing parent, they have gotten a list of what I would really appreciate (don\u2019t even try it). Meaning, let\u2019s not go to the store; let\u2019s have it delivered. Because if he goes and he brings it home, then my daughter can get it too. So I, unfortunately, am going to come across as one of those parents that is just overbearing, which is probably true. We all have flaws; that\u2019s probably mine. One of them.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not the worst one to have, for sure.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Right? So I have always believed that parenting is the most complex, most challenging, and most underrated job. It\u2019s the best job in the world, but it doesn\u2019t come without bad days, hurt feelings, constant regrets over decisions that you\u2019ve made as a parent. Like, \u201cI should have handled it this way.\u201d Or, \u201cMaybe if I had done or education on the forefront, they wouldn\u2019t have made this choice.\u201d And going into this pandemic, this time of absolute, I don\u2019t want to say chaos because it\u2019s not chaos, but it\u2019s so unprecedented. We\u2019ve never experienced it in our lifetimes. We\u2019ve never been in this type of situation.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Schools are closed, so kids are at home. They\u2019re not able to go to their friends\u2019 houses or the mall or the movies. And with us having four teenagers at home, almost five teenagers at home, our kids are social, and this is tough because four of our kids play sports, and they\u2019re unable to play sports right now. And so that\u2019s an issue for them, and I\u2019m sure hundreds of thousands of millions of other kids are experiencing the same thing.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
But I think as parents to step back for a moment and say, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s not just us as adults that are experiencing this crisis, this pandemic, this change in our everyday lives. Our kids are too. And when we\u2019re stressed, they can feel it and we\u2019re stressing them out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
It\u2019s contagious.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Oh, absolutely. And I think they do hear the news, and they\u2019re on social media, and we\u2019ll be at the dinner table, and one of my kids will pipe up about something that they saw on the news. And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cYou\u2019re watching the news.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
What 10-year-old watches the news?<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
I watched Little House on the Prairie and Dukes of Hazard; why are you watching this? And so they hear about, even just, if they overhear you talking on the phone about losing a loved one or a loved one being sick, or how their grandparents are doing, and the job situation. And they hear all these statistics. I think that teenagers, today, are very different from the teenagers that you and I were, in our age. And they seem to be, I think, more on top of it than I know I was. They understood what the word furlough meant, and my daughter was furloughed. She was working at a Harkins movie theater, and she came home and said, \u201cOkay, mom, here\u2019s the paperwork. They told me the CARES Act and unemployment, and\u2026.\u201d And I said, \u201cWell, honey, you\u2019re part-time. You\u2019re not going to qualify.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And she said, \u201cNo, no, no. They said CARES Act and tried.\u201d So she applied, and, of course, she got denied because she was part-time. But she loved going to work. She loved it. She is a junior in high school, and she\u2019s looking at this, like, \u201cI\u2019m running out of time. This is my time to have fun before I graduate high school.\u201d And I think of those poor seniors this year that didn\u2019t get to do prom, although they\u2019re doing the promella.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
What\u2019s a propelled?<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
So this summer, I don\u2019t know all the details on it, but the kids that didn\u2019t get to go to prom, they\u2019re hosting it, I guess, I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s statewide or certain\u2026 I don\u2019t know Coachella where all the big stars go.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Oh yes.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
They\u2019re calling it promella.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Okay, got it.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And they get to go and have this massive prom. And I said, \u201cWell, I don\u2019t know that that would be fun, anyway, because it\u2019d be so many people, you wouldn\u2019t see people from your high school.\u201d And she said, \u201cYeah. Okay.\u201d And so both the kids were like, \u201cAre we get to go to promella?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d That\u2019s what senior years are for. So senior year, because now they do like the junior\/senior prom, I think senior prom will be just fine.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Really? See, we had junior\/senior prom, too.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
We didn\u2019t. We had homecoming, and then we had like a ball, like a winter ball, I don\u2019t remember what it\u2019s called, and then prom.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Yeah. We had junior\/senior prom, so we got to go two years, lucky us.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Yeah, no.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
I only went one, but-<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
See.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
\u2026 we were allowed to.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Uncle Ron only got to go to one prom there; I\u2019ll use that on my two kids.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
But I went when I was a junior, not a senior. I wasn\u2019t a popular kid.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Okay, see, backward.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Yeah. Yeah. I did it backward, like most things in my life.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t going to go there, Ron. So for parents, I think there are like three big\u2026 I will come at this from both a professional and personal standpoint because it\u2019s much easier not to practice what you preach. It\u2019s easy to say and not do. So you and I have agreed that we will be honest, open, and candid from day one. And so I\u2019m going to just do that as a parent because we all make mistakes. We all wish we could have done something different.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
So working from home with six kids is definitely a challenge. It\u2019s definitely a challenge. Many people understand that people are telecommuting, and they are kinder and making allowances for that. Of course, when we\u2019re on the phone, as we\u2019re answering it, we\u2019re snapping to let everybody know, stop talking, stop the dogs from barking. Inevitably, the minute the phone rings, the doorbell rings, or the children, the minute you pick up the phone and you\u2019re talking to somebody, they have the most important thing to tell you. Or if you go in the bedroom and shut the door, they knock, because then they all of a sudden realize that they forgot something, so then they\u2019re knocking on the door. It\u2019s almost like a magnet.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Working from home has its own challenges, but now, we have children, a lot of us working from home telecommuting have children. And not only are we working from home and navigating that and reestablishing rules and guidelines and expectations, but we\u2019re also now faced with their schoolwork. So we\u2019re now their teacher.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And this is a funny story. And I won\u2019t win mother of the year for this one. My youngest son is almost nine, he\u2019s eight, and he is absolutely obsessed with Fortnite on the Xbox. I mean, that is what he lives and dies for is Fortnite. And, obviously, one of the moms on the website that I read says, \u201cDon\u2019t worry about screen time.\u201d So I thought, okay, I\u2019ll relax a little bit and not worry about the hours he\u2019s on it. And then I started thinking, he really is on that a lot. And he has his own little laptop, and I\u2019m checking with his teacher, making sure that he\u2019s doing the assignments, and he\u2019s telling me, \u201cYep, mom, I got it. I got it. I got it. I did it all.\u201d And then he\u2019s back on Fortnite. And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWow, he\u2019s really fast on school work, but okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And so then on Thursday, I texted his teacher, and I said, \u201cI just want to double-check; he\u2019s totally up to date, right? We\u2019re not missing any assignments.\u201d Because with my older kids, I can go online, and their teachers will list them. Well, this is not like it with him because they have to make up this work and create it. And she said, \u201cOh no, no, he\u2019s missing a little bit.\u201d And so she sent me these two packets, and I thought, oh, we weren\u2019t as on top of it as I felt we were.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Right, so there goes Fortnite.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Yeah. Bye-bye, Fortnite, until all the packets are complete. The first night that we had the packets, we didn\u2019t let him get on fortnight until nine o\u2019clock in the morning because he\u2019ll wake up and want to be on it at 6:00. He slept next to it on the floor, like his pillow and blanket, because he has a little TV in his room with his Fortnite. He literally slept next to the TV and the small entertainment center. I guess he just wanted to be close to it, I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
So, yes, I took the advice, and it didn\u2019t really work out so well. So now, obviously, his teacher and I have set up a protocol, so I\u2019ll know exactly what he\u2019s doing without\u2026 Because, again, I\u2019m working full time. So I\u2019m working, and I\u2019m trying to make sure that all six of the kids are doing their work and thinking that\u2026 he\u2019s telling me, \u201cOh, I got it. I got it.\u201d And I\u2019m thinking, oh, good boy. Yay. Good.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Right. So proud.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
It\u2019s much easier than now; I\u2019ll be sitting in my chair at the computer working, and I\u2019ll turn around, and there he is with his laptop going, \u201cMom, how do I do this?\u201d And I\u2019m thinking, oh wow. Okay. And math is different than it was when you and I were little. And you don\u2019t-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Definitely.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
So then I\u2019m calling one of his siblings because I want to make sure that it\u2019s the exact process, and I\u2019m not teaching them the old school way, and it\u2019s\u2026 Yeah, so siblings have been amazing. They are my saving grace right now because I don\u2019t like homework. I like projects. I mean,<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Okay. That makes sense.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u2026 I love projects. I kind of love them too much. I almost take over. And this is funny, my oldest daughter, again, I\u2019m going to look like this, ah, evil mom, but whatever. When my oldest daughter was younger, she picked somebody she wanted to do a board about and make history. I was really into the crocodile Hunter at that time. I was watching all of his shows. And I said, \u201cI\u2019ll help you if you choose the Crocodile Hunter.\u201d And she said, \u201cI have to choose the Crocodile Hunter?\u201d I said, \u201cYes if you want me to really help you with it. Otherwise, you can do it on your own.\u201d So then she said, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll do the Crocodile Hunter.\u201d Then I was like, \u201cThis is my board. Back off.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Back off.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And then I think I even had the nerve to say, \u201cWhat did we get? When she got graded on it. We did get an A, by the way.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
We. Good job.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Anyway. So I think that we\u2019re all learning together. I\u2019m making mistakes. I thought I was more on top of my youngest son\u2019s work than I was. And now, as I said, we have set up, and what I\u2019ve learned is there\u2019s a foolproof plan. Now, instead of him doing all of his work on the computer, I\u2019m printing off the packets. And that way, I can check the packets because there was no way for me to check to see if he did this on the assignment. And so this is much easier for me, and I think him, so I can just go through the packets every week and make sure they\u2019re completed. And then check his mind time. I just the time it 20 minutes on this math site and 20 minutes on that English site, and read for 20 minutes, and it\u2019s good, so live and learn.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Well, it is a transition, and you\u2019re adapting, and that\u2019s the important thing. I mean, when you see, okay, there is a problem. I mean, it takes more time and for you as a parent to go, \u201cOkay,\u201d as you said before, \u201cI\u2019m not just a parent right now. I\u2019m also a teacher in a lot of ways.\u201d And so it\u2019s not easy. Good for you for making those changes that you\u2019ve needed to make. And, of course, nobody could have started this whole quarantine thing and be 100% on the ball; with every single thing in line, we all have to learn, so good for you.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Yeah. And I thought by sharing that story, I mean, it would let other moms and dads know like, it\u2019s okay to say, \u201cI screwed this up.\u201d I thought I was more on top of it than I was. And the teacher and I together figured out a way that he could be more successful because the packets that he has to have done by Monday night are a couple inches thick; they\u2019re big. Some of them are just, you read a page, and they answer some questions, it\u2019s not\u2026 He\u2019ll be fine; we\u2019ll get through it together. But I think it\u2019s important to let parents know, just do the best you can. We\u2019re all going to get through this together somehow, some way. And go, teachers, really go teachers. Because I need them back, Ron. I need them back.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Please.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Well, I think some ways to survive, if you\u2019re working from home with your kids there, is realistic. Maybe set expectations on the front end, and that\u2019s what I\u2019m trying to do. So during the hours of 9:00 to 5:00, that is our work time, if you need something, obviously, we\u2019re here for you, and we\u2019ll help you, but you may have to wait. I may not be able to drop what I\u2019m doing at that moment and jump in and help you.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
The other thing that I have found is what I have done on the \u201cemergency drill\u201d type, which is, what you do is, you say, \u201cOkay, when the phone rings, what are you supposed to do? You\u2019re not supposed to yell. You\u2019re not supposed to decide to make the dogs run up and down the stairs,\u201d which they were doing at six o\u2019clock this morning. \u201cYou\u2019re not supposed to argue with your sister. We\u2019re supposed to be quiet when there\u2019s a phone call or an important Skype meeting. That\u2019s not the time to express yourself; that\u2019s for later.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Okay. Very good.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I have the door shut and I say, \u2018I\u2019m going to be in the bedroom, I\u2019m on an important phone, or I\u2019ve got to complete this,\u2019 as much as I love each and every drawing you make me, that\u2019s not the time that you bang on the door until I open it so we can talk about it.\u201d I love those. I do, and I save all of their artwork. I have bins and bins, Ron, of everything. And I cherish them. But as much as I want to look at it at that moment, sometimes it makes me feel like I\u2019m a terrible parent when I say, \u201cCan we just wait a little bit?\u201d And it\u2019s not me rejecting them because I feel like I\u2019m rejecting them, and I\u2019m pushing them away. I\u2019m not; I\u2019m just postponing. I\u2019m postponing. I\u2019m not pushing them away.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
The other thing is that I do use incentives as well, Fortnite time screen time. Sometimes the kids will want to make a cake, so they\u2019ll make a cake. I\u2019ve also, with my three oldest, once a week, each one of them is now responsible for making dinner for everybody.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Very good.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
So I figure I\u2019m teaching them how to cook; simultaneously, I\u2019m giving them responsibility, and then I\u2019m also taking something out of my to-do list and handing it to them. And they\u2019re very creative, and they\u2019ve done a great job so far; I mean, they\u2019re making these elaborate meals. I\u2019d be happy with hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. I\u2019m happy as long as I don\u2019t have to cook it. I\u2019m good. I\u2019d be happy with cereal. But they\u2019re doing really well.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
We have a designated area for our \u201chome office,\u201d but if somebody didn\u2019t, I would designate it. Maybe part of the kitchen table or if you have a desk area and that\u2019s your stuff. Our kids would start to come over to my desk and grab a pen and grab this and grab that. And it\u2019s not a free for all. That\u2019s my office space. You wouldn\u2019t walk into my office at our actual location and just start pulling pens off. That\u2019s not okay to do.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not appropriate.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
No. The other thing is, is I work from 9:00 to 5:00, but I will often find myself if I have a kid that\u2019s having a hard day or something is going on; I will make sure that I just work after they go to bed.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
So the times I\u2019m working are crazy. I mean, I\u2019ll be sending on emails at midnight and really trying to catch up because, again, I don\u2019t want to be that parent that\u2019s constantly harping on them. Because they\u2019re having a hard time, too, this isn\u2019t easy for anybody. Check off lists; I\u2019m one of those people I love lists. I will put something on a list just to check it off because I feel like I\u2019m accomplishing more.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And planning ahead, working on the weekends, and giving myself a little bit of slack. I still feel really guilty about my son\u2019s work, but at the same time, he\u2019s only in third grade. Hopefully, this will be something he forgets.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
He could do it again. I\u2019m just kidding.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Yeah. Let\u2019s not do it again.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Do third grade again, okay. Fair enough.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve got all these kids that are so active, and we\u2019re in Arizona, so we have a pool, and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOkay, come on, warm-up, warm-up.\u201d And it\u2019s warm here; it\u2019s going to be in the 90s. Well, my almost nine-year-old was like, \u201cYes,\u201d and is jumping in the pool, and I\u2019m thinking it\u2019s freezing. He doesn\u2019t care. So I will take my laptop out there and sit there while he\u2019s in the pool because he thinks it\u2019s fun. So pool time is another incentive. I don\u2019t think it\u2019d be an incentive to go in that freezing pool, but, apparently, at eight-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Kids are more resilient when it comes to that, certainly.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Right. With teenagers, I think we can increase our expectations in general and have them help clean. I know you, and I talked about this earlier. And part of my hesitation with having teenagers clean is the complaining and the arguing and the negotiating and the, \u201cWell, I did that last time. Why can\u2019t she do it?\u201d And when you have the essential Brady Bunch, which is what we do, three girls and three boys, you get all kinds. You get all kinds of that.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
While it should be easy, you think, oh, I\u2019ve got this vast staff that can-<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
It\u2019s an army.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
\u2026 clean everything. But when they\u2019re teenagers, they don\u2019t want to do it. So it\u2019s tooth and nail just to get them to clean the bathroom after they\u2019ve peed on the seat or whatever.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Right. Right. And when you have two teenage boys and two teenage girls, yes, it can be a challenge. I think allowing them to manage their own schoolwork. I know that we have allowed some of our kids, who are self-motivated and responsible, to allocate which time they want to do their homework. They don\u2019t have to do it first thing in the morning. Whereas I have two other ones that they don\u2019t get to choose the time, they start at nine o\u2019clock, and that has to be done, and now one of them is my almost nine-year-old, before anything else-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Anything.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u2026 that has to come first. The other thing is-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Different children are different, so that\u2019s how that\u2019s got to be. Because some children react very well to a structured, \u201cOkay, 9:00 AM, I\u2019ve got to do my homework. I\u2019ve got to do this.\u201d Where are others like, \u201cYou know what? I work better if I can do it later in the afternoon. I can get a couple of things that I want to do done. And then I will go and do it.\u201d But if they\u2019re not disciplined enough to go do it, then you\u2019ve got to set up a structure, certainly.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Yep. And catch it on the front end, unlike I did. Another thing that I have just about started, actually, we\u2019re starting this week. There are things that teenagers can do to help our business to put labels on envelopes. They can help burn DVDs that we have created for some agency materials. And they\u2019re going to start helping with that because I think they need to feel like they\u2019re contributing. And I need them to feel like they\u2019re contributing.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Right. As a sense of accomplishment always helps. Yeah, these are all excellent ideas. Thank you.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Another thing that we did for social distancing and quarantining is my daughter really, really is struggling; the one that works, she\u2019s really having a hard time. Some of our kids are fine and their homebodies anyway. But my 17-year-old is really having a tough time, just staying at home. And so, one of her best friends lives about five houses down. What we have allowed her to do is she goes down the street with a mask on. She sits on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street, and they\u2019ll talk for an hour to two hours back and forth and just be able to physically see each other. And it makes her\u2026\u2026<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
If it works for her, that\u2019s great.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
Yeah. She says, \u201cMom, really a mask.\u201d And I said, \u201cYes, because if she sneezes and the wind blows, just wear the mask.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Please, for me, come on. Well, I got to say another thing that\u2019s a blessing in this time of the Coronavirus is that it is 2020. And can you imagine 1987, and all of a sudden, your teenage life has been cut off completely? All you have is a rotary phone on the wall. I mean, they\u2019ve got FaceTime, they\u2019ve got Zoom, they\u2019ve got computers, they\u2019ve got video games that they can play together, even with not being in the same room. I mean, thank God for all of this stuff to help them get through this because I can\u2019t imagine what it would\u2019ve been like when I was in high school.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
No. So many companies were offering free, like the educational programs that they can go on. I know Cox has said that for low-income families that can\u2019t afford the internet, they\u2019re allowing it for children under the age of 17. So many people in the community are allowing\u2026 Disney is bringing out movies sooner on the Disney channel. So I think that everyone\u2019s trying to help. And I think that that\u2019s us being united and coming together, and I think that\u2019s great.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
But just acknowledging for teenagers that this is anxiety\u2026 Anxiety\u2019s normal, and it\u2019s normal to grieve that you\u2019re not with your friends every day, and you\u2019re missing your teachers, and you\u2019re missing just being away from the house. You\u2019re missing being able to go to Circle K and get snacks and that kind of stuff.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And as adults, if we\u2019re having a hard time, I think stepping back and recognizing that they\u2019re having a hard time is essential. And I have to remind myself of that too, because I\u2019m thinking, okay, well, my husband and I are running a business. We\u2019ve got all these kids, and we\u2019re dealing with all these situations, and they\u2019re just as important. And their lives are just as important to them as our lives are as essential to us. And it\u2019s hilarious when you read online some of the parents and the comments they\u2019re making about how frustrated they\u2019re with the kids because I have to say I\u2019m there at times. I get it. I get it. I\u2019m laughing with you, not at you, because I can relate and understand. And don\u2019t look back at this and judge yourself because it\u2019s a hard time. It\u2019s a hard time.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And lastly, one essential thing is April is Child Abuse Prevention and Awareness month. There was a county called Tift County Council on Child Abuse. They\u2019re working to raise awareness during COVID and the shelter in place orders. Amid this outbreak of COVID-19, many families face many of the risk factors for child abuse and neglect, parental stress, economic instability, food insecurity, lack of adequate childcare, and lack of everyday routines. And so, really just be aware of what\u2019s going on and don\u2019t let yourself get stressed about things that you don\u2019t need to stress about.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And hopefully, a lot of people in the social work field, and I can say this from being in the social work field, are concerned that having families and children isolated and not getting a break, and not getting a time out from each other, that there will be increased rates of abuse and neglect.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And before the pandemic outbreaking, children would go to school, and teachers and other people could see what was going on. And if there was a problem, and, unfortunately, because there are no other eyes on some children that may be at risk, it\u2019s a concern. We really have to make sure that parents are equipped to navigate these uncharted waters. I know that a study was done a long time ago where when parents would pick up their kids from school, they would hand the parents a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And they had found that during this time, child abuse rates dropped in that particular study. Because when we\u2019re hungry and we\u2019re rushed, and maybe our blood sugar\u2019s a little bit low, we\u2019re not always at our best. And maybe that\u2019s when we\u2019re more prone to making choices we wouldn\u2019t usually make.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
And so I think that it\u2019s essential to, as a parent, take care of yourself. And it\u2019s like the airplane analogy, you can\u2019t put the oxygen mask on your child first, you have to put it on yourself first, and then you can help your child because you\u2019re no help to your child if you\u2019re passed out. So it\u2019s essential to really make sure, as a parent, that you\u2019re doing your self-care, and you are the best that you can be because that\u2019s how you can be the best parent. What is some advice that you would give, Ron?<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Obviously, my son is 26 years old, and he is out of the house, so we don\u2019t have to deal with the family thing. But I do find that with Lisa and me, honestly, we\u2019ve been self-quarantined for a few years now because this is just how we live. We work from the house, and we have for a long time. So this isn\u2019t too abnormal, but I know that we have our own spaces. She has an office. I have my own office that I\u2019m talking to you from right now, and that\u2019s been incredible.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
So to try and help other families, I was thinking, like you\u2019ve got seven kids plus two adults, and if you can make one space, a room where people can get away from everybody else and be alone and use that. And say, \u201cOkay, you guys got to take shifts, obviously.\u201d But if there\u2019s a place that you can go and whether it\u2019s read or play video games and just be away from everybody for an hour at a time, then maybe that will help to alleviate some of that stress, as long as you can keep them from fighting over it.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
If you have a schedule that says, \u201cOkay, Aiden\u2019s got the room this hour. Logan\u2019s got it this hour,\u201d and just go through everybody, and maybe that would help. I don\u2019t really have great advice, but I know that our separation, our areas that we can go, has helped us to\u2026 We just thrive. I mean, we enjoy our time together more because we\u2019re not forced to constantly be on each other\u2019s backs.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
I think that\u2019s excellent advice. I think that\u2019s excellent advice. So we will get through this with our listeners, Ron, we\u2019re going to get through this time. And hopefully, at the next recording, we will have flattened the Coronavirus curve-<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Very good.<\/p>\n
Kelly Rourke-Scarry:<\/p>\n
\u2026 and everybody will be on the mend. So let\u2019s hope for that.<\/p>\n
Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n
Thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters<\/a> in Adoption. Suppose you\u2019re listening and dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and want more information about adoption. In that case, Building Arizona Families is a local Arizona adoption agency and available 24\/7 by phone or text, at (623) 695-4112 that\u2019s (623) 695-4112. We can make an immediate appointment with you to create an Arizona adoption plan or just get you more information. You can also find more information<\/a> about Building Arizona Families on their website at azpregnancyhowhelp.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n Ron Reigns:<\/p>\n Thanks, also, go out to Grapes for allowing us to use their song, I Dunno, like our theme song. Birth Mother Matters in Adoption was written and produced by Kelly Rourke-Scarry and edited by me. Please rate and review this podcast wherever you\u2019re listening to us; we\u2019d really appreciate it. We also now have a website at birthmothermatterspodcast.com. Tune in next time on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption for Kelly Rourke-Scarry; I\u2019m Ron Reigns.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Ron Reigns: Welcome. And thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption with Kelly Rourke-Scarry, me, Ron Reigns, where we delve into adoption issues from every angle of the adoption triad. Speaker 2: Do what\u2019s best for your kid and yourself because if you can\u2019t take care of yourself, you\u2019re definitely not […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":10948,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1185,320,646,551,645,16,29,331,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10945","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adoption","category-adoption-agency","category-adoption-radio","category-arizona-adoption-agency","category-arizona-baby-adoption-center","category-licensed-adoption-agency","category-local-adoption-agency","category-local-adoption-agency-in-arizona","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n