A birth mother’s adoption journey is unique to her – but having helped thousands of birth mothers with adoption, we have identified some common thoughts and feelings. Addressing these common thoughts and feelings may help you know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. It also may help society better understand the beauty of adoption and become more supportive and sensitive to courageous birthmothers. When a birth mother is placing a baby for adoption in Arizona and researching unwanted pregnancy options in Arizona, she deserves ample support and assistance to help her along her adoption journey because she is making a very selfless decision. 

Our Adoption Agency Offers Unwanted Pregnancy Options in Arizona for Women

Choosing adoption means choosing an option with support, aftercare, and access to financial resources. Adoption is a beautiful choice and one that is becoming increasingly popular. If you are pregnant and considering placing a baby for adoption in Arizona and looking for unwanted pregnancy options in Arizona, we are a licensed, full-service, non-profit Arizona adoption agency. We believe in adoption aftercare services and have a program on-site to provide continued support through the Donna K. Evans Foundation. You can contact us 24/7 at (623) 695-4112 or visit us online HERE. You are not alone, and we want to help. Thank you for considering adoption. You are making a courageous, selfless choice!

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Episode #49 – What Do Birth Mothers Fear About Adoption?

Visit us HERE to listen to Episode #49 of our podcast Birth Mother Matters. Read the transcript to our Podcast Episode #49 below-

Ron Reigns:
Welcome, and thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption with Kelly Rourke-Scarry and me, Ron Reigns, where we delve into the issues of adoption from every angle of the adoption triad.

Speaker 2:
Do what’s best for your kid and for yourself because if you can’t take care of yourself, you’re definitely not going to be able to take care of that kid, and that’s not fair.

Speaker 3:
I know that my daughter would be well taken care of with them.

Speaker 4:
Don’t have an abortion. Give this child a chance.

Speaker 5:
All I could think about was needing to save my son.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
My name is Kelly Rourke-Scarry. I’m the executive director, president, and co-founder of building Arizona Families Adoption Agency, the Donna K. Evans Foundation, and creator of the You Before Me campaign. I have a bachelor’s degree in family studies and human development and a master’s degree in education with an emphasis in school counseling. I was adopted at the age of three days, born to a teen birth mother. Raised in a closed adoption and reunited with my birth mother in 2007. I have worked in the adoption field for over 15 years

Ron Reigns:
I’m Ron reigns. I’ve worked in radio since 1999. I was the co-host of two successful morning shows in Prescott, Arizona. Now I worked for my wife, who’s an adoption attorney, and I’m able to combine these two great passions and share them on this podcast.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
We’ve talked before about why adoption can be perceived as difficult for birth mothers.

Ron Reigns:
Certainly.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
But let’s talk about fears. Fears are different than just thinking something is difficult. Fears are maybe what keeps you up at night or makes you worry, and-

Ron Reigns:
Things that bring you anxiety.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. Again, keep you up at night. Maybe give you tummy troubles maybe? Just those things that you really just don’t sit well with. So, let’s go over what I feel are the 10 most common fears that a birth mother may have when she’s actually making her adoption plan and searching for unwanted pregnancy options in Arizona. One of the goals of our adoption agency is to provide emotional support to really show the birth mom that we care about her. We try to keep it very much like a family community feeling, and we work very hard to be there for them.

Ron Reigns:
And reduce that fear and anxiety.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Hopefully this podcast can help those out there that are working in adoption plan and are still struggling. So, that’s the goal of this podcast

Ron Reigns:
Or maybe somebody out there who’s listening and considering an adoption plan.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
All right, so the first one, birth mothers, a lot of them worry that people will think they’re a terrible person, a bad mom, and they’ll never look at them the same. I’m here to say that a birth mother is an amazing person. My mother was an amazing person, and I never once thought of as a terrible person, a bad mom. I thought that she was amazing and selfless and brave and strong. It is my hope and dream that is the way other birth moms are looked at as well.

Ron Reigns:
We talked to a bunch of birth mothers and I watched you interviewing them, and I noticed one thing that I believe we talked to like 13 of them, and almost to a lady, or almost to a person because we did interview some men too, but they all said gave up my baby. Every time I heard it, I got kind of a chill, but of course, they’re talking, I’m not going to interrupt them and correct them on this, but I think it’s incumbent upon us as a society and us as a podcast-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Outside influence, it is.

Ron Reigns:
…to change that vocabulary to placing my baby because there was only one, literally only one, who said on multiple occasions, I’m placing my baby, and the rest said, giving up, giving away things like this, and it kind of broke my heart a little because I want them to be educated on what they’re doing. That this is a selfless act, a beautiful thing. They’re not giving up or giving in or anything like that. They’re doing something wonderful.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I agree. As an agency director, I will say that after today’s interviews, I absolutely am going to work with our staff on teaching-

Ron Reigns:
Without being correcting or scolding…

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Because you believe what you say.

Ron Reigns:
Absolutely.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
If you can teach somebody to say something different about themselves, they will follow suit. They will think that.

Ron Reigns:
They’ll perceive it differently.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So if they are saying, I’m giving away my baby. I’m giving away my baby. That’s what they’re thinking in their head.

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
They didn’t give away their baby. They placed their baby lovingly. There’s a big difference.

Ron Reigns:
Huge.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
And so, I think that’s a really good point. Another fear that birth mothers have is what if no one wants my baby?

Ron Reigns:
I don’t mean to laugh, but the fact is there are so many families out there-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So many families-

Ron Reigns:
…just wanting a baby, any baby. No matter what your past is, nobody’s going to turn your baby down.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
No, they’re not, and people that are not familiar with adoptions and what’s going on, I tell them, there are organizations like there’s an adoption agency called Reece’s Rainbow. They specialize in babies with down syndrome. They have a waiting list a mile long, and to me that just gives me chills. That is just beautiful.

Ron Reigns:
I got that feeling and, in my face, and in my heart-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, you smiled. As soon as I said that you broke into a big smile, and that gives me reassurance that there are good people out there.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
There are people that are adopting for the right reasons.

Ron Reigns:
They want all these babies.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah. And so, I think that, again, that’s something that you celebrate. The fact that people are lined up around the corner hoping and praying that they can adopt a baby that has been designated to have special needs, and we get families like that as well. We get families that may have a deaf child at home, and they will call our agency and say, they specifically are looking for a child with a hearing impairment because they feel that they have the skills and the knowledge and the resources to help that child. That’s what birth moms need to understand. Somebody is always going to want your baby.

Ron Reigns:
Now, I have a question about that. When they specifically request a child that has a hearing impairment, you obviously won’t know about that until the child’s born?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right.

Ron Reigns:
That’s got to create a complete-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
That’s a very hard request. Yeah, that’s a really hard request to meet. Yeah, if somebody really has their heart set on something that would be discovered after birth, I would actually maybe recommend they go into like an older child bracket, and look for a child with a hearing impairment that has already been diagnosed and maybe not a newborn.

Ron Reigns:
That makes sense.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, another one is what if the adoptive parents don’t follow through on our open adoption plan? So, depending on the state that the adoption is finalized in, will determine whether or not that state has the laws that make post-adoption communication agreements legally binding. If your adoption is finalized in one of those states, then you would actually have legal grounds to make sure that agreement is legally enforced. She could go back to court, ask for a mediation, and basically forced them to follow through.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What I have found in my experience is in the majority, the vast majority of cases, regardless of whether or not the adoptive family is residing, and has finalized in a state that has those laws, families want to do right by their birth mother. The families that pray will tell me that they pray every night for their birth mother with her child. The families they fall as in love with the birth mother as they do with the child, and they want to honor her.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So, it is very rare that we will have a birth mother that’ll say, hey, I haven’t gotten pictures or letters, and we as an agency always jump up and jump in. We will call it out a family, and stand behind them. Again, I haven’t seen issues in this. I get the concern, but you would have reassurance not only from a state law perspective potentially, but from an agency perspective. So, this is something that I don’t think should be such a concern.

Ron Reigns:
Now, I know that the post-adoption communication agreements have kind of a stipulation that the adoptive parents can discontinue that if they feel that it’s in the best interest of the child, is that correct?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. So, where I have seen that come into play is that let’s say they have visits. Let’s say in the post-adoption communication agreement, they have visits with the child every six months.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, the birth parents, right?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
The birth parents are showing up at those visits and they’re drunk or they’re high, or they’re doing things that would endanger the child. At that point, the parents can state that visits are no longer appropriate. The birth mother can attempt to fight that, or they can look to reevaluate that maybe a year or two years, if she was to get clean. Another concern that birth mothers have is what if I changed my mind, this is a really big one. Adoption is a very emotional thing. It’s not like going to the store and picking out a puppy. We’re talking about human beings. We’re talking about life.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I think that, yes, birth mothers changed their mind. Not everybody who goes in with an adoption plan can execute it. If a birth mother goes in and has every intent on placing a baby for adoption, and after the baby’s born, she decides this isn’t something she can proceed with. That happens.

Ron Reigns:
Absolutely.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
At that point, we need to celebrate that she shows a apparent. If she goes in and knowingly deceives and willfully does not plan on placing her baby for adoption that is when there’s a huge problem.

Ron Reigns:
Why would they do that?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Maybe they’re desperate and looking for money. Maybe they have found a way to subsidize their living.

Ron Reigns:
Because what an adoption agency provides is not money to go spend willy nilly, it’s all pregnancy related. However, it’s still a check for them.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, and the intent is to help with their living expenses during their pregnancy and then the recovery period afterwards. So, it’s hard. That’s a really hard one, but again, I want to reassure birth mothers that when you’re making an adoption plan, if your heart is in the adoption plan, and that is what you’re planning on doing, now, if you’re not sure you want to do an adoption plan, don’t start until you do. Find out information, educate yourself-

Ron Reigns:
Get counseling. Talk to people. People who have placed their children for adoption as well as people who work in the field. There’s so many people to talk to.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
But to actually create an option plan and match with a family-

Ron Reigns:
When they’re not sure-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
…and accept living expense funds. Yeah, that’s not a good idea. What will I tell people when they ask about my pregnancy is another concern. I think it’s absolutely your choice to choose what you say and how much you say. Your pregnancy isn’t any different whether or not you’re doing an adoption. You’re still pregnant. You’re still becoming a mom. I think that you only open up to your level of comfort. I know that when I had my first child, strangers would come up and put their hands on my stomach. I always thought that was a little different.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
One, it made me nervous because as a mom, if somebody started reaching for my stomach, I instantly would put my arms down-

Ron Reigns:
Defensive.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, because I didn’t want them to like punch my stomach. You know what I mean?

Ron Reigns:
Not that anybody was going to, but it’s a defensive mechanism as a mother carrying a child-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, to protect your baby. And so, that always made me uncomfortable. I will never forget when I had my daughter, my first daughter, you know those front packs that you carry your baby in? So, she was a newborn and I had her in one, and I was walking in the parking lot to the store, I think I was going into a Babies R US, and somebody came up and pulled the part where it was covering the back of her neck and her head to see her, so they like pulled it back to see her, and I remember just stiffening up and pulling away just instinctually. I think that sometimes people overstep. I don’t think they’re trying to be malicious or intentionally awkward, but-

Ron Reigns:
It is weird. Now, tell me something. Now, when that would happen because obviously it’s never happened to me, was that mostly women that did?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
No, actually it was a gentlemen.

Ron Reigns:
In that particular case. How about in general, when people would touch your belly when you’re pregnant?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
No, I would say it was-

Ron Reigns:
50/50?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Ron Reigns:
Because personally as-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I think almost more men than women.

Ron Reigns:
Really?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I always attributed it to they don’t know what it feels like. They don’t know, because when-

Ron Reigns:
I wouldn’t have done that to my sister. Especially, not without asking.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay.

Ron Reigns:
Like if she offered-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
If I had a sister I would’ve-

Ron Reigns:
…if she said, oh, he’s kicking or whatever, and said, put your hand on your belly, okay. I’d feel awkward about it, but I’d still do it. But in general, I can’t imagine touching anybody’s, any part of their body, especially a woman that I didn’t know. Oh my goodness.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What about when your ex-wife was pregnant?

Ron Reigns:
That was my wife at the time-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay, so you would touch her stomach, and then-

Ron Reigns:
I would touch hers. My wife-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
And your baby.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, that’s different.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay.

Ron Reigns:
Somebody I don’t know, or even somebody I know, but not intimately in any way whatsoever that is the weirdest thing to me. I just don’t understand it. I’m a little blown away by this.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, and again, I get it. My adopted mom would not touch my stomach when I was pregnant.

Ron Reigns:
See, and I would think it would be more of a female thing to do almost like a maternal instinct to oh, the baby, you know what I mean?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah.

Ron Reigns:
So, I would almost understand it. Maybe it’s still weird to the birth Mother.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah. Yeah, I don’t know, but I think that sometimes people take liberties for people they don’t know. Again, they reach out. It does kind of stop you when you’re pregnant and you’re carrying a baby, and people ask very personal questions and they ask and they touch you in a way that you wouldn’t touch somebody who wasn’t pregnant. You would never walk up to some stranger-

Ron Reigns:
And just touch their belly.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Ever, right?

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I mean-

Ron Reigns:
Ever.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, nor would you walk up to a stranger and look in the pouch of their sweat shirt, or yeah.

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So, I was always really… I know it’s funny. It’s crazy.

Ron Reigns:
I’m blown away by the whole thing.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, I’ve also had people when I, and I don’t see it as much anymore, but remember, when my girls were younger, 15 years ago maybe, or 20 years ago when you take the car seat and you would put it on top of the stroller and it would latch in, not stroller, the grocery cart and it would latch it.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I don’t think they do anymore because now when I’m babysitting, you just put them right in the-

Ron Reigns:
In the cart.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Anyway, you put it on top of that car. Okay.

Ron Reigns:
Okay.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
And I always, because I can be a little bit of a germaphobe, confession time, I will take a swaddling blanket and cover the top of it, so obviously they can get fresh air, but I cover them, so people who are sneezing, or-

Ron Reigns:
You don’t wrap it around their head.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
No, but I always kind of cover the baby.

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Obviously the baby can still breathe. I’m not smothering the baby, but just people are sneezing and germs-

Ron Reigns:
You’re in a public place.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
They’re new babies, yeah. I’ve had people come and pull the blanket off to look at the baby, and I just think that’s really intrusive.

Ron Reigns:
A little forward to me.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah.

Ron Reigns:
I don’t know.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I would never do that.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, sorry again about the tangent, but-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
No, I would never do that. I would never walk up to somebody, and look at their baby.

Ron Reigns:
Any of that. Any of that seems way too forward for me.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Now, walking up to pet a dog that’s not yours.

Ron Reigns:
I wouldn’t do that either, but I wouldn’t feel as awkward if somebody came up and pet my dog. Although, I think it’s a stupid thing to do. You don’t know if the dog bites-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Is that any different from somebody coming up and taking the leash off your hand?

Ron Reigns:
Taking the leash off your hand?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, like in other words, with somebody come and taking the blanket off the baby-

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Is that like me coming in and you’re walking your dog, and I come and take your leash.

Ron Reigns:
Just unclip the leash. Yeah, people are strange.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, so I think that when people ask you about your pregnancy, I think you just do it to your comfort level.

Ron Reigns:
Absolutely.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I don’t think you need to tell people, well, I’m doing an adoption. It goes back to the other podcast when I was talking about, when do you disclose that you’re adopted?

Ron Reigns:
Right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Do you have to wear a t-shirt every Thursday that just notifies the public?

Ron Reigns:
Hey, everybody-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I’m adopted. It’s adopted day. It’s one those things where, an analogy to that would be, the last time, a long time ago, a long time ago, before I watched Blackfish, I went to Sea World, and at the Shamu show, they will often say, if you’re a veteran, will you please stand up, so that everyone can acknowledge you. Well, my dad stands up.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, right.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
And so, in my head, I remember thinking, wow, what if they say, if your adopted stand up.

Ron Reigns:
If you’re an adoptee, or an adopted child-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right. Please stand up, and I just, it’s that kind of thing like-

Ron Reigns:
If you’re colorblind stand up.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, if you’re colorblind, when the red light goes to green-

Ron Reigns:
Everybody stay seated.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So, yeah, I still think about that, and I still think at what point did I have the duty or obligation to disclose?

Ron Reigns:
I think, again, it’s got to be something where you’re at that comfort level.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
But do you owe an explanation?

Ron Reigns:
No.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Okay.

Ron Reigns:
I don’t think you do. I don’t see why you would. If somebody like 20 years down the line of your friendship said, I can’t believe, you never told me you were adopted, and was offended-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
That happened. That happened.

Ron Reigns:
Well, then that sounds like their problem, not yours. Had you hid it from them or try to deceive them-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
No, I didn’t try to deceive, but I think going back to that-

Ron Reigns:
Because we did talk a little-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I don’t think I was forthright. I think there were times where I may have been more elusive and not really forthcoming.

Ron Reigns:
Right, kind of like you said-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Wish washy-

Ron Reigns:
…when somebody would say, does your family have a history of this? And you would say no.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
At the time, what was I supposed to say? I don’t know?

Ron Reigns:
Because you didn’t know.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I didn’t know.

Ron Reigns:
I could see somebody saying, I don’t know.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, or-

Ron Reigns:
There’s a ton of stuff I don’t know.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, and it’s just one of those things where you just don’t know. Again, I can relate it to you being color blind. Do you have to tell somebody?

Ron Reigns:
I go back to, no, I guess I don’t really have to.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
What is the normal response when you tell somebody?

Ron Reigns:
It’s usually curiosity. Probably the same with you and your adoption. It’s a lot of, oh, well what does this look like? That’s hard to explain because I’ve never seen colors, so I don’t know what you see. For anybody who’s out there curious listening, the best explanation I could give for my colorblindness is that it’s like, you may not have ever heard of this before an old, black and white TV, because I believe that’s essentially black, white, and kind of shades of gray. I don’t see any real colors in there. Occasionally, I can tell something is red, but only sometimes not always. Usually, I can’t. And so, that’s kind of how I will explain it when somebody does ask

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So, that’s like asking an adopted child what it feels like to be adopted.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, what does it feel like to be adopted? I don’t know the same as, I guess, you feel like not being adopted. You’re still a human being.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah.

Ron Reigns:
I don’t know. It’s very interesting. I like the discussions about this because it really makes me think because I never really thought of adopted people as being different, or-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
But even the term adopted people, you can flip it and say the not adopted people.

Ron Reigns:
Non-adopted, yeah. You’re absolutely right. I just thought they’re people.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
We are people.

Ron Reigns:
Are you really? You actually have a soul and everything?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, absolutely. I even sleep at night and dream-

Ron Reigns:
No.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
No, I think that is really important. I think that it is, and I’m still in my head going back and forth thinking-

Ron Reigns:
What do I owe anybody else on this topic?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
If anything?

Ron Reigns:
I don’t think you do, personally.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, and then you go into, well, do let somebody touch your stomach? I don’t think you need to-

Ron Reigns:
I don’t think so either. If it was me-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Is it worth offending them?

Ron Reigns:
If it’s somebody you don’t know, sure. You’re not comfortable. I’m not comfortable with people being in my space. Like I know people I’ve worked through the years who are like huggers. I’m not. I would give you a handshake. I’m okay with that, and maybe a side hug with a family member like a brother or brother-in-law or something like that. I’m just not a hugger. I don’t like people being in that space. So, I would feel very awkward. Somebody’s just touching me on any body part.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So, somebody came up and started putting their hands on her stomach you would-

Ron Reigns:
I’d be pretty standoffish. I’d back up. I wouldn’t be offensive to them, but I just kind of let them know that I felt awkward about the situation.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
When you had your son out in public and he was a newborn or you a young baby, did people ever come in and invade your space?

Ron Reigns:
To some degree. I never felt like it was out of line to where they were like getting under the blanket like you said. I think it was more, oh, he’s really cute, and looking at him. Maybe pinching a cheek, probably not even that, but nothing that I felt like, oh God they’re violating my son’s space or my space or anything like that.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So, what I find really interesting too is when people ask questions about somebody being pregnant, they always ask are you having a boy or a girl? I always think, why do you care? I’ve never understood that.

Ron Reigns:
Maybe it’s along the lines of, boy, the weather’s nice lately. Just something to say. Kind of like I see you’re pregnant-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I need to know if you’re having a boy or a girl.

Ron Reigns:
I don’t think they need to know that. I think they’re just trying to converse with you about it, and empathize with you maybe? I’m guessing. I’m speculating.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Empathize? Oh, you’re having a boy, I’m sorry. What do you mean by that?

Ron Reigns:
Boy, I’m so disappointed it’s going to be a girl with this stranger that I’ve never seen before in my life and likely, never will again.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah.

Ron Reigns:
People are weird in weird ways. Everybody’s got their different weird ways, I guess.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yeah, so I guess the takeaway from this part of the conversation is maybe ask before you touch?

Ron Reigns:
Yeah.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Just like with a dog ask before you touch.

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, does this dog bark?

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Does this tummy bite?

Ron Reigns:
Yeah, do you mind if I touch this tummy, and I kind of do, so don’t.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
All right, so another fear is will the OB GYN office judge me? I don’t believe so.

Ron Reigns:
Absolutely.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Not.

Ron Reigns:
Oh not? Absolutely no-

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
OB GYN nurses are very familiar with adoption. We get a lot of referrals from OB GYN offices, and in most cases, they view adoption as an amazing choice. Another one is how I knew if I choose the right adoptive family? I am a very firm believer, no offense, in women intuition.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, I’m not offended.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
So, I can’t speak for a man because I haven’t been in your head, but I think that women’s intuition is very strong. It is like the force for Star Wars fans.

Ron Reigns:
Right, you know.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
You know.

Ron Reigns:
You just know, and if you don’t think it’s right, it probably isn’t.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Yes, always.

Ron Reigns:
They have the wrong family for you.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
They say, when you’re walking through a parking lot at night and the back of your neck, the hair starts to stand up, listen to that. I would say same thing with choosing an adoptive family. Every birth mother has told me when I looked through the profiles, I knew. It’s just something that just clicks. They just knew. I would say you should find some type of peace, and if you’re not sure then make a phone call with a family before you choose them officially. Have some kind of communication with them, but really go with your intuition.

Ron Reigns:
Okay, go with your gut.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Always go with your intuition. Another one is if the birth mother has used drugs during her pregnancy, will they adopt a family still want her baby?

Ron Reigns:
I think that was already answered before.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
Right, absolutely, but you want to make sure that you disclose everything you’re using to the agency.

Ron Reigns:
Definitely.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
This way they can make sure that they match you with a family that is open to ready to accept a substance exposed baby, and is prepared and ready for any medical issues that may arise. What if the father of the baby changes his mind and wants the baby? So, this is one that I get asked quite a bit from birth mothers, and again, it’s going to depend on your state laws.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
In the state of Arizona, if he has been served with an adoption notice and has not filed within the 30 day timeframe then his time has passed without any paternity actions, and he may no longer have the ability to interfere with the adoption. At that point, it is just the birth mother’s choice. If he’s giving you a hard time about the adoption, and this is your plan, and this is what you’re doing then maybe you don’t have them around you during the time that you have to sign the paperwork, and maybe let him know that this is your decision, and you’re sorry that he doesn’t agree with your decision, but he had his time to contest his decision, and that time has passed.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
10, the last one is will I be alone after the baby is placed for adoption? That is your choice. This shouldn’t be a fear. This is a choice. You can choose not to be alone. With our agency, we have an aftercare program.

Ron Reigns:
The Donna K. Evans Foundation.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
The Donna K. Foundation, absolutely. We have group counseling classes, we have sessions that you can come in and talk with other birth moms, activities for you to engage in. You can focus on you and work on achieving your dreams. You can get out there. The birth mother adoption community is huge. You just need to find your tribe.

Kelly Rourke-Scarry:
I think that you can choose to sit alone and be sad and wallow, or you can choose to get up and move and find ways to not be alone. So, I would say that fear is within your control. I would say my best advice on this is have faith not fear. You’re welcome to call and text us whenever you’re ready. If you’re thinking about placing your unborn baby for adoption, the number to call us is (623) 695-4112, or you can email us at info at buildingarizonafamilies.com.

Ron Reigns:
We have a pregnancy crisis hotline available 24/7 by phone or text at (623) 695-4112, or you can call our toll free number +1 800-340-9665 for women searching for unwanted pregnancy options in Arizona. We can make an immediate appointment with you to get you to a safe place, provide food and clothing, and started on creating an Arizona adoption plan, or give you more information.

Ron Reigns:
You can check out our blogs on our website azpregnancyhelp.com. Thank you for joining us on Birth Mother Matters in Adoption, written and produced by Kelly Rourke-Scarry and edited by me, Ron Reigns. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts, and as always thanks to Grapes for letting us use their song, I don’t know as our theme song. Join us next time for Birth Mother Matters in Adoption for Kelly Rourke-Scarry. I’m Ron Reigns, and we’ll see you then.